Hello, my name is Lorraine and I am Bipolar type II rapid cycling. This is my life and my story come journey with me.
I am going to go back a few years, in fact eleven, to when this all started. Actually I think my disorder started many years ago I just now realize I was in a constant state of hypo-mania, which is not as bad as full blown mania. You feel happy and have lots of energy and can be very efficient at work. I realized when I was working in Pocatello, Idaho that I was in this state. I am a Registered Nurse and my specialty was the Operating Room. I was so happy and efficient and zoomed around all the time. My friends would tease "hey Lorraine have you checked your Lithium level today?" I would laugh and continue zooming along. It is only now that I realize that, that is when it all started. It was OK because I was happy and I felt good nothing wrong here right? It was not all peaches in cream though. I would have the periodic fight with my husband but what I found was that it was getting harder and harder to get over them, and then we move to Boise Idaho and my world fell apart. The fights continued the stress was building, I remember coming home from work one day feeling so depressed I though "you cant take a pill to solve your problems" but the symptoms kept getting worse and the abuse started in but I had a 3month old baby I couldn't leave he need a father (wow do I kick myself now over thoughts like that now) so I trudged on. I noticed that I was becoming exhausted and having trouble saying awake. I though this was nutts so I eventually when to my doctor. Told him what was going on, I though it was my thyroid not doing its thing right. I was shocked when he told me I had depression so I started out on Prozac the number one prescribe anti depressant in America he started me at 20mgs and then up to 40mgs and finally uped me to 60mgs and it was like someone turned on a light I felt good, and then I found it... a pornography magazine hidden under some old clothes. I laughed but then it started to bug me he is trading me for a picture. That was tough to take so we talked he could tell I was upset about something. He said he would stop and I believed him, however, my depression came back worse this time I called the Dr he moved me up to 80mgs and said if that didn't work he wouldn't be able to help me anymore and referred me to a psych place. Needless to say the increase didn't work so I set up and appointment (I don't remember the name of the Place} They did tests and all sorts of crap put me on new meds to try and sent me on my way. Nothing was conclusive with the test so I went on my merry way. I remember how I felt the first time I went to the psych dr. I wanted to sneak in I didn't want anyone to see me I wasn't "crazy". A month passed and nothing seemed to work the only thing that changed was I was getting worse and then there was the abuse from my husband at the time.
I was goofing on the computer one day and damned if I didn't find it, more pornography on the Internet he would log on after I went to bed. I was sick I kept finding it every time I would log on I would find it he would try to hide it but I would find it every time. I just got worse and worse I'd miss work my performance was slipping I'd go sit down and fall asleep. I had a breakdown and work one day. I should have gone to the hospital then but I didn't I was afraid my husband would take my baby away from me. No one explained that he couldn't do that. What a mess. I remember one time my husband was being rather nice to me, I asked why he was being so nice and that I appreciated it. I said why cant you be like this all the time. He said, "its just not in me." I'll never forget those words. It was like a branding iron burning those words across my heart. Time passed and nothing seemed to help my husband said he would stop doing porno and he did or at least I couldn't find it. We had a big family reunion that year. at a forest ranger cabin. My husband and I had a quiet moment together he promised he would never do pornography again. The reunion lasted one week and we had a wonderful time. I believe what my husband said and felt a lift in my spirits the depression seemed to lift and for awhile I felt perty good.
I was not home one day from that vacation and there it was right in front of me big as life a porno web site on the computer. Was he trying to drive me insane? I don't know. I was devastated and relapsed into sever depression I was a mess I went to a new doctor and he said I was bipolar and started me on lithium. I went home to my parents just after that for support. I didn't like the way the lithium was making me feel so I called the doctor up and he prescribed, get this , a tranquilizer, a stinking tranquilizer, we'll really knock her on her butt instead of fix the problem. I quit him in a heart beat. I ended up going back to my old establishment but they were no help. My husband abused me some more he took a phone that wasn't working and threw it into a wall the sheet rock had a perfect impression of the phone. I left after that. I couldn't take it anymore.
I got a job at one of the local hospitals I wasn't taking anything at the time and one of the doctors I made friends with put me on 37.5mgs of Effexor, that is the introductory dose of that medicine. I was doing great I couldn't believe it. My husband stayed behind to sell the house and then he came out to Washington were I am now. I wanted to have a father for my son and he really missed his daddy so we got back together to try again I didn't want to give up. It didn't work a year passed and the abuse continued so one day January 17, 2003 I left him for good and moved in with my parents.
I had a breakdown at work too much stress and pressure and I quit. Ended up doing odd nursing jobs still as unstable as every finally I found the best job an OR nurse can have, I worked at a surgery center that was a great job. It didn't last though I had a breakdown at work there and ended up in the hospital. I was hospitalized three more times after that. The doctor said this is it I don't know what else to try. He put me on Trileptal it helps control mood swings Amazing enough it worked it was a God send I started to stabilize and regain control.
I was then on state aid after twenty years of work I was on DSHS. I am thankful though it was there when I needed it. The amazing thing that happened though was that I started to get better. I had episodes of depression but there were normal times there too. Sometimes I remember thinking "I feel good, is this right?" I've been depressed for so long it was kind of scary to feel normal, or at least what I though was normal.
I applied for disability and waited three and a half years before I was awarded benefits. I could live on my own start my life over. A lot of things happened between now a then I finally divorced my husband. I realized I was lonely and didn't want to be so I tried some online dating. Eharmony best online dating around if your serious about finding a mate. Well I found one, a gift from heaven I love him more than anyone I've every loved before. We have been together five years now and I'm still on my honeymoon it has never changed. We grow more and more in love everyday. I can't say enough wonderful things about him. He is my life. He is my best medicine he makes life worth living even when I'm depressed. He helps me get through my tough times. I still take my medication I am faithful about that I get really messed up when I miss a dose. I don't like that feeling, yet by the same token I am tired of taking medication everyday, twice a day it just gets old I have to have these meds to function and sometimes I don't like it.
Well not too long ago I had an episode in fact it is about three weeks now. I was in a state of rapid cycling my moods were change rather rapidly that day I was depressed forlorn and miserable. All I wanted was for the pain to stop to go away to hurt somewhere else. I fought those feelings most of the day. I wanted to hurt somewhere else to not feel the emotional pain the agony I was in. I had felt this before and I didn't like it then either. This time I did something (this is the hard part to admit that I actually did this) I took an iron and burned my leg with it and I did it over and over again probably ten times. The pain was wonderful I didn't hurt inside anymore it was my leg that was hurt. You can see that, that is supposed to hurt you understand that kind of pain. It is a lot harder to understand emotional pain. Most people say cheer up its not so bad. They don't understand they don't have a clue the kind of agony you are in it is hard to explain. It is awful, thinking about it now makes my guts have the he-be-gee-bees it makes me sick. When reality set back in I felt stupid and tried to hide it. I did tell Lafe that I had hurt myself he helped me work through my issues and help me stabilize again for the moment. I was in a bad state though he ended up staying home with me the next week until my doctor appointment with Arlene O. Lafe went with me to the appointment for support and to talk too I showed my burn to Arlene and she was not happy about that at all. It was like her face became a very stern concerned mother. Cross but comforting and caring all the same.
Today present time, I am becoming more and more stable Arlene increased one of my meds and after about a week I am beginning to feel stable I make it through a day without becoming depressed or hypo-manic although it is kind of fun being hypo manic, until it ends and then you crash into depression, that part sucks. I have a lot of agitation right now my feet are going a hundred miles an hour most of the time. When I catch myself I stop but before I know it they are going again. Lafe can tell how agitated I am by my feet. It is a dead give away. I know when I journal my energy is focused and I am at peace this blog will become my journal maybe I can help someone else, let them know they are not alone, we'll see.
